poke
by Gigglesnorter
Summary: Orange nastiness splattered all over Sasuke, the floor, my mouth, and Sakura's foot. I groaned as my sides ached with cramps, and sweat beaded off my forehead. My chest heaving, and clumps of vomit sliding down my mouth.Crack-fic.Hina preg.


**Song of the day:** Daylight by Matt and Kim  
**Disclaimer:** Do not own Naruto.

* * *

**Month one **

Nauseous.

I'm fucking - _nauseous_

"Hinata, _get up_ already!"

"Mm..."

I rolled off the bed, hitting the wooden floors with a thunk. My sore back and sweaty body, making my morning a pitiful-_fucking_-horror. I groaned, as my black hair covered my face and stuck too my sweat stained face. My pale-like eyes rolled back as I climbed to all fours, and proceeded to roll to my sanctuary.

_Beautiful...beautiful...washroom._

Decorated with fluffy pinks toilet seats, flower covered wallpaper. Vanilla scented candles and perfumes, charming toilet paper-_cherry scented_. A pink toothbrush and toothpaste tube. A woolly pink rug in the center with pictures of Hannah Montana and Celine Dion posters, pinned with butterfly magnets. Yes, this was my sanctuary...

..._ wait a minute._

"...w-what?"

"Hope you like your new bathroom!"

I passed out

..._ Sakura laughed evilly.  


* * *

_

"I'll get you another ice-pack." she mentioned nervously.

I pressed the bag of frozen peas closer to the swollen lump on my head. My left eye twitching unusually too often.

"It looks like you're..." she bite her lip.

I looked up blankly into anxious green ones.

"...like I'm?"

She looked away nervously, while fidgeting with her fingernails.

"Like you're..."

I glared at her -_ she started hyperventilating._

"like your-," she squeezed her eyes tight.

"...growing a third boob on your head." He mumbled.

Sakura's face changed back to normal.

"...right..."

I stared intensively at the wooden floorboards.

_It wasn't my fault._

"I see..." I mumbled.

_Who the hell told her to pink-ify my bathroom._

"You...want an omelet?" he mumbled uncomfortably.

I looked up to see my shirtless boyfriend, long black bangs hanging in his cold, _mysterious_, bored black eyes. Navy sweats hanging loosely off his unhealthy pale skin. His well-toned abs as my eyes view, my stomach clenched in hunger.

..._ No._

"Hinata..?"

My stomachs jumping.

"You okay?" he stepped closed.

Lumps gurgling in my throat.

"Hinata are you-," he was face-to-face with me.

I threw up.

"...ew..."

Orange nastiness splattered all over Sasuke, the floor, my mouth, and Sakura's foot. I groaned as my sides ached with cramps, and sweat beaded off my forehead. My chest heaving and clumps of vomit sliding down my mouth.

"Hinata, clean you fucking mouth for Kami's sake!" Sakura yelled.

She handed me a - _pink_- napkin. My left eye twitched..._again._

"I think I'm..." Sasuke whispered.

I looked up to a green Sasuke.

"Sasuke, aim for the bucke-,"

He threw up in Sakura's mouth.

"..._what_ **the** fuck?"

Sakura barfed..._all over me._

"...s-stop puking!" I cried, gagging into my sleeve.

Sasuke glared at me as he wiped his mouth. Sakura passed out.

"You started it!" he pointed an accused finger at me.

"I was..." my stomach rumbled.

"Hin-,"

I puked into my hands..._ and passed out second._

Sasuke stared at all the puke, spitting out purple liquids. Looking down, pink colored cheese balls stuck to his naked chest. He almost, _almost_, _**almost**_ cried.

The door swung open.

"Hey gu - ...hey what's up with all the vomit?"

Sasuke released all the gooey purple stuff onto the floor  
..._ and passed out third._

"I'm a murderer!"

* * *

"Hina-chan...wakey, wakey, wakey!"

Rock-hard hands ran through my silky indigo hair, scratching my skull several times. I opened my glossy white ones, to see Naruto poking me repeatedly in the shoulder. "Naruto?"

He blinked and thrashed me into a hug, "Hinata! You're awake!" he then picked me up bridal style. Carried me through the house, into the bathroom, held me over the bathroom which was filled with clean -_ cold_ - water. Wait a minute...

"In you go!"

He dropped me into the bathtub. A loud splash, followed by a girlish shriek, squeaky noises, a thump, and sobbing.

"Y-you...you h-hippo!" he screamed while sucking his left thumb.

I groaned as water filled my nose, burning it with...well....water. The coldness of the water numbing my toes and pinkies, I started crying. "...w-where is S-Sakura?" I hiccuped.

"Somewhere..._ in a dumpster._"

"...a-and Sasuke?"

Naruto looked up, releasing his saliva covered thumb that dripped all over the bathroom floor, (..._ ew..._). He blinked a few times and pointed to mine & Sasuke's bedroom..._ he went back to sucking his thumb._

I groggily crawled over to my room, clawing and digging my nails into the wooden floor boards, _my nicely manicured nails..._ I stopped in front of the door, pushing it open to see a dead Sasuke on the bed.

..._did Naruto kill him?_

"Sasuke?" I whispered.

Silent.

"Sasuke." I said louder.

Nothing.

"Sasuke!" I screamed.

Not even a slight twitch.

I crawled over to him, pulled the blankets from his foot, took off his sock and bite his toe. He girlishly screamed and groped his..._man boobs_?

"...Sasuke?"

He jumped up and eyed me. One blink. Two blinks. Three blinks. "Hinata..._you okay?_" he asked, standing a few spaces away from me. I stopped and stared at my hands -_ they were orange._

"Sasuke...why are my hands orange-," I paused,"and why is your face purple?" He stared down at my hands, and touched his face shuddering. He walked over to the bathroom, hands covering his flushing face. I followed behind him -_ he slammed the door on my face._

Muffled sobs escaped the bathroom.

I kicked the door harshly with my left foot.

"Queer!"

* * *

**Month three:**

"Oi Sasuke!"

I waited for a sound of shuffling and grunting, subconsciously someone liked to be asleep until 3 in the _fucking_ day. I was clearly bored as hell, and frustrated. I needed to release my emotional - _girl_ problems on someone.

"...Sasuke."

Another grunt.

"Yeah?"

I kicked down his door.

"I can't fit into my pants anymore..." a pause.

"...what?"

I bit the inside of my cheek.

"I-I haven't h-had my p-period in f-four months." another pause.

"..._what?_"

I stared anxiously at the floor.

"And my stomachs swelling..." an awkward cough.

"Are you..?"

Sweat dripped from my brows.

"I don't know."

He took a step forward.

"Do you think you're-,"

I closed my eyes. "I don't know."

He grabbed my shoulders, "Do you think you could be..."

My throat clogged, "I don't know!"

He released my shoulders and walked into the kitchen. My eyes still on the floor, I looked up to see him pacing around the room, " W-what are you doing?" he paused momentarily, stared at me for a few seconds and looked back down grabbing the nearest phone.

"Calling Sakura." he started dialing.

I gulped, "Why?"

He pressed the phone to his ear, "To see if you're, - hello Sakura?"

I melted into my shoes.

* * *

Sakura and me paced around the Shopper's drug mart. She was grabbing several latex (condom) boxes, and me biting my nails furiously near the magazine stand. She came from behind me, grabbing my shoulder with her free hand, "Ready?"

I gulped and nodded nervously; we walked over to the Baby section and went down the isle. I closed my eyes, walking slowly towards the end, praying she didn't find _them_, or that they sold out.

"Found them."

I groaned mentally.

"...wanna buy it?" she asked.

I stared at the box. _It was pink._ It had eight sticks. _I'll try them all._

"Sure..."

"I bet 5 bucks you are!"

"...shut up Sakura."

We walked over to the cash register. Sakura threw the latex boxes and _my_ box onto the counter. The cashier eyed us suspiciously, Sakura pulled them closer and whispered in their ear, "My friend here has real _big_ boobs," the cashier flushed and handed us our boxes. He didn't make eye contact.

"...what did you tell them?"

Sakura rummaged threw the boxes, "Nothing important."

_I got 11 guys numbers that day._

* * *

I opened the door slowly, poking my head momentarily. Sakura looked up, clawing her cat-like nails into my shirt and tugging me forward. "Did you do it?" I looked away, biting my lip nervously.

"Y-yeah..."

She played thumb war..._ with her third hand._

"...and?"

"My pee's blue."

She paused, the third arm won.

"...what?"

I drew a deep breathe, resting my hand on my chest. "My breasts really hurt..._ and there getting bigger by the minute_." I sulked. Sakura came closer, stroking my hair anxiously. I sniffled, burying my face into her strawberry smelling shirt.

"And...a-and my stomachs g-getting bigger," I cried.

She rocked me back and forth.

"I'm craving dango and ramen!" I screamed, sobbing into my hands. Sakura gasped and sniffled.

"B-but the worst p-part of all..."

She paused.

"Is doing the donut dance!"

She paused,"What?"

I bit down on my lip,"Sasuke...thinks it's funny."

"...what the hells the donuts dance?"

"…I rock back and forth, with a donut in my hand. Saying, 'Whoo!'"

"…what an a-hole."

"Sakura..."

"Yeah?"

"...I pee every time I sneeze."

She reluctantly let go of me, and hopped over onto the couch next to mine. "Maybe...you should wear a grown-up diaper." she mentioned while fingering her cherry locks.

"Saku-,"

_Ding._

"...what the hell was that?"

I ran into bathroom shutting and locking the door behind. I turned around and looked at all 8 tubes. A sore lump in my throat, I slowly slid over to the sink counter that had eight cups full of..._blue_...water with eight sticks inside them.

I hesitantly took one of the sticks in my hand, squeezed shut my eyes, and yanked it out of the unusual colored water. I chewed the inside of my cheek, and counted to three.

_One...two...three._

"N-negative."

I almost fly kicked the air.  
_Almost._

I stared at all the other filled glasses.  
_Seven more..._

"Negative."

"Negative."

"Negative."

"Negative."

"Negative."

I paused momentarily. Fumbling and twirling the last stick between my fingers, biting my lips into a bloody mess. Sweat rolled off my face as seconds went as minutes, and minutes became..._more minutes._

Just open it dammit!

I peaked an eye open, "...n-negative."

A pause.

Knock,"Hin?"

Silence.

Knock, knock,"Hina?"

More silence.

Knock, _knock_, **knock**,"Hinata!"

I opened the door slowly, and practically tackled-_glomped_-Sakura to the floor. She squealed very...manly."I-I'm not p-pregnant!" I screamed into her ear, while hugging her midsection. She patted my back nervously.

"T-that's great..."

Pause.

"Sakura?"

She looked away.

"Sakura..."

She starred down at her hands. Fumbling with her fingernails and picking off specks of green colored flakes from her manicured nails,"I...wanted to be an aunt." Whoa, whoa, whoa...what? Rewind.

"...w-what?"

She looked away anxiously,"I...was really looking forward to chubby little monsters." she looked up smiling. My cheeks reddened as I pushed her outta the way,"S-so you wanted t-to see me a-all fat and r-round...a-and..." I sniffled.

"...and doing the donut dance, yes."

"I'm seventeen for fucks sake!"

"...so?"

My left eye twitched. "Seven..._teen_."

She stared blankly at me,"Exactly, you're not sixteen; it's all chill." she paused."Awe, you can't go on that '16 and Pregnant show', that would've been funny. Those girls are such dumbasse-,"

"Sakura!"

She coughed awkwardly,". . . point is, I was looking forward to nieces and nephews." I felt my cheeks flush as I scooted Sakura out of my room. She clawed my wrists with her vicious claws as we walked out into the living. Sasuke was sitting on the sofa biting out of an apple, he looked up slowly, and I gulped. "Hi...S-Sasuke..."

"Well?"

I twiddled my fingers around, Sakura groped my shoulder. "Calm it, buddy boy. You can still fuck her."

I gasped, Sasuke stared blankly at her.

"Uh huh,"

_He doesn't even care..._

"I'm gonna go...sleep." I mumbled, sniffling back down tears. Damn emotions!

"You're...getting fatter," a pause.

"..._w-what?_"

Sasuke cracked her knuckles...her third arm grabbed a bat. Sasuke took another bite out of his apple, suckling on the savory fruitiness. "I said-," gulp,"that you're getting fatter."

"What, gonna dump her now are you?" Sakura budded in, one fist in the air already. Sasuke yawned, scratching the back of his head. "No. Just saying, lay off the _friggin_ food." Sakura's left eyebrow twitched.

"That's rude."

"It's fine." I mentioned.

"No, Hinata, it isn't _fine_, what kind of boyfriend says that?"

"I'm just concerned."

"About her weight gain! The girl was fucking 105 pounds, so what she's gained a few extra..._ it's healthy for her_."

"Shut up guys, you're giving me a migraine."

"See Sasuke, giving Hinata-chan a migraine! You should be ashamed!"

Sasuke ignored her, and continued staring at me. Eying me strangely, and it was really, really, _really_ uncomfortable. "Hey," I paused taking a step back. "Y-yeah?"

"When was the last time you got your period?"

I chewed my cheek, "Ano, four months ago."

"...Isn't that a bit weird?"

Sakura budded in..._again._

"No, considering Hinata here didn't get her period until last year, and usually on the first year you don't even get your period for months, maybe even a year."

"Oh."

"Yep."

"...then you _are_ fat."

Sakura's fists connected with Sasuke's head.

* * *

**Month six:**

"Holy shit, you're huge!"

I groaned quietly and glared at Naruto."...s-shut up."

"Are you sure you're not pregnant?"

I nodded my head. "Positive."

He stuck his finger in his mouth, "So...what do you think it is?"

I rose an eyes brow, "What do I think what is what?"

He rolled his eyes, "You're stomach! I mean you've been craving _friggin_ marshmallows, whipped cream and nerds for the past 6 months!" I stared at the moving floor boards, "Plus you get some creepy morning sickness, your stomach is as huge as a watermelon, your face is all puffy, and you have these mental _emotional_ rampages!"

I stood up from my seat, throwing it down on the floor tears streaming down my face, "So I gained a little weight! I'm a fat girl, can't I just live in peace! God, I hate this place!" I sobbed uncontrollably into my hands.

Naruto starred uncomfortably at me, "You done?" I sniffled and turned back to him. Crying for another 5 minutes, before I got hungry and made myself a marshmallow sandwich. Naruto shuddered, "Does Sasuke still makes you do the donut dance?"

I nodded.

"What _an_ ass."

I nodded..._agreeing._

"So...Hina."

"Yeah?"

"...you do understand your stomachs really _not_ normal."

I sighed. "I know."

He bit his lip, "So what do you honestly...think it is?"

I pushed my fingers together, staring at his spiky blonde hair, "Umm...a tumor?"

He paused. "_Really?_"

"...yeah."

"Oh."

I poured myself a glass of Pepsi. "Wanna...feel it?"

"What!" he jumped.

"...Sasuke doesn't wanna touch it..._ he thinks it's gonna blow up_."

Blink.

"Weirdo."

Sip, sip.

"Please?"

Sucking noises.

"Sure,"

He walked slowly towards, sticking out his pointer finger. Getting closer, closer..._closer._

"...poke," he poked it.

He kept his finger there for a couple minutes. _His finger_, not his hand, his _finger_. He had creases coming from his forehead, his nose flared. His eyebrows met with each other, furrowing together an -

"Oh my god!" he shrieked and pulled his hand away. My heart skipped a beat and sweat dripped from my nose. "W-what!"

He stared down at his hand, and pointed a finger to my _very_ swollen belly shaking nervously. "Y-you're...y-y-your..."

"Yes, Naruto!"

A pause.

"..._your tumor just kicked my finger!_"

I fainted.

* * *

"Thanks for coming with me Naruto, you're the best." I said. Naruto patted my head grinning, "No problem, I just hope no one thinks I'm the father." he said while patting me head rougher.

"I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant."

"And I'm pretty sure you're in denial."

My hand twitched.

"Naru-,"

"Hinata?" Shizune said.

I rose up with Naruto following behind me. I clutched onto his shirt, he grasped my hand tightly, stroking my knuckles repeatedly, and Hm?" Shizune smiled and motioned us to come closer

"Tsuande can't see you right now."

"...what?"

"She's on vacation."

My jaw dropped.

"For how long?"

"About a month."

"..."

I turned to Naruto. "Hinata?" I frowned and turned back to Shizune. "Fine, can you please set me up an appointment for me when he gets back?" Shizune typed on the computer. "Okay,"

I nodded and squeezed Naruto's hand, getting a few high-pitched squeals in return. "Let's go home." I dragged him home with his feet digging holes in the pavement.

_Today was a good day  


* * *

_

**Month seven:**

"I can't even walk anymore." I quietly murmured, poking my inflated belly that had purple and blue splotches everywhere. I fingered my popping out belly button. Sasuke came in with the car keys, "Ready to go?" I looked up numbly and nodded.

He helped me down the stairs and into the car. Well..._ he technically carried me into the car._ We reached the doctors office, and waited in the waiting room. Shizune called on us, Sasuke grasped my hand tightly.

"No matter what, I love you."

I looked up at him.

"...liar."

We looked up to the doctor who was tilting her hand upwards for us to come closer. I sat on the toilet-paper bed and lay back, with Sasuke still holding my hand tightly. "So what seems to be the problem?" Tsuande asked, putting on her plastic gloves.

I bit my lip nervously and looked up at Sasuke, "I think...I might be pregnant." I whispered out. Tsuande stared at us blankly, and narrowed her eyes on us, "Um, yeah. You are. You're about seven months."

Sasuke and I froze.

"...w-what?"

Tsuande eyed us suspiciously. "Listen I'm really busy. Do you need a check up on your pregnancy or something?" Sasuke started choking. He let go of my hand, turning away. I could feel breakfast going up my throat.

"T-there's gotta b-be an m-mistake!" Sasuke screamed.

Tsuande shook her head," No, there isn't. This here girlie's seven months, how could you not have noticed!" she screamed at us. Sasuke scratched the back of his neck.

"I thought...it was a tumor."

Tsuande broke her pencil, "You're tumor kicks you?"

* * *

_Ring, ring, ring._

"Hello?"

An exasperated breathes, "Hi."

"Hinata?" Sakura quirked.

"....yeah." Hinata massaged her forehead.

"...what's up?"

A pause.

"You won the bet. I owe you five bucks."

Gasping, squealing, gagging, "Wha-,"

_click  


* * *

_

**Month eight: **

We were in the baby department store, picking out cribs and such. Sasuke had a pacifier in his mouth and a baby bib on his head. I stuck my index finger in my mouth, eying the fluffy, _squishy_, utterly adorable teddy bears.

"Think it's a boy or girl?"

I looked up to see Sasuke sticking a diaper in his pants, "Girl."

"Boy."

I froze, "What?"

"I said boy."

"You don't want a little girl?"

"Boy first, girl after. So that he can protect her."

I frowned, "Who said I wanted two kids?"

"Who said I _only_ wanted two?"

We glared at each other.

I picked out a pair of sheets.

"Her room color should be peach."

"You mean _his_ room color should be blue."

"...peach."

"What if it's a boy?"

I pinched his nipple, squeezing it between my nails.

"_Peach_."

* * *

**Month nine:**

Sasuke, Naruto, Sakura, me and my very swollen belly were all sitting on the couch, watching _'Bug life'_, Sakura was punching Naruto as he imitated the voices from the movie. Sasuke inched closer to me. Poking my belly.

"Why are you poking it?"

Sasuke froze, his pointed finger pressed into my belly.

"...Umm..."

I turned to face him.

"How come you never _touch_ or _rub_ my stomach, just _poke_ it?"

He starred down at his pointing finger, "I..."

I poked his head, "Well?"

"Well...you see..."

"Come on Sasu - ow."

Pause.

"Ow...ow..._ow_." I grabbed my stomach.

Sakura and Naruto moved closer, "Hinata-,"

I screamed,"Ow!"

Sasuke fainted.

Sakura squealed in joy, jumping up and down, hitting her head on the table -_ falling unconscious._

Naruto coughed awkwardly, "This is a _really_ funny movie."

* * *

"Push Hinata! Come on, you can do it! Push!" Sasuke screamed at me.

I grabbed his shirt, and pulled him closer to my sweaty one. "I _am_ pushing!"

He gulped nervously and patted my hand, "G-good hime, good."

My head rolled off to the side,"Where the hell's Tsuande?"

Sakura poked her head in, "She's on her coffee break."

Another contraction.

I broke Sasuke's right hand  
..._ and the bed.  


* * *

_

"He's so, so, soo cute!"

"I just wanna eat him up!"

My eyes fluttered open as I saw Naruto sticking his face into my son's. His little hands grabbing Sakura pinkie and Sasuke in the back glaring at them. I sat up, and fell back down.

"H-hey guys..."

Sasuke ran too my side, "Hina, you okay?"

I nodded slowly. "Can I see him?"

Sasuke smiled and walked over to Naruto, yanking him outta of his hands and bringing him towards me. I slid my weak arms around my newborn baby frame and kissed his forehead. "H-he's beautiful..."

Sasuke smiled, "Looks just like his Okaasan."

I smiled and played with my babies arms  
..._ until._

"Ow, ow, ow, ow!"

Someone took the baby outta my hands.

"Hina?"

"Ow, ow, ow, fuck, ow!"

I broke Sasuke's left hand  
..._ and Tsuande just went on her other coffee break.  


* * *

_

"She's so, so, _so_ cu-,"

"Shut up!"

I woke up..._again_, to see Sasuke holding _two_ newborn babies in his arms. He kicked Naruto and Sakura out of the room and sat on my bed. "Hey, Hinata?" he mumbled out softly.

I stared at the two little bundles of joy in his arms,"T-twins?"

He smirked and nodded slowly, "Yeah. There 10 minutes apart."

I stuck my hands out; he planted both babies in my arms. I stared at my son's sleeping form, and then too my daughters..._pooping_ face.

"She's looks _just _like you."

"I know."

"_There_ beautiful."

"...no,"

I paused.

"There..._adorable_."

I smiled.

"...I guess we got lucky."

" What do you mean?"

I nuzzled my nose unto my son's, "We got one boy and one girl."

"I told you, you were getting fat."

I shoved his arm, "You still didn't answer my question."

He rose an eyebrow, "Which is?"

"Why did you always poke my stomach instead of rubbing it?"

He paused and chewed the inside of cheek, " I thought you were gonna explode if I touched it..."

I smiled, "Chicken."

He smiled and pressed his forehead to mine. I inhaled his pine-scented smell, and deeply sighed. Our children nuzzled in between us. "Hey Hinata?" he said softly.

I looked up, "Mm-,"

He kissed me.

I leaned in forward as he pushed deeper and wrapped his arms around our little family. He stroked my cheek softly, as he pulled away and broke the kiss. I inhaled sharply and fluttered my eyes open.

"...marry me?"

I nuzzled my face into his neck, bringing our babies closer.

"Why not?"

* * *

**The end.**(Continuation..?)  
**AN:** Suuuuch a stupid story.


End file.
